I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
