We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
