Someone shit on the floor
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize