I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
