I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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