I haven't been this sober since birth.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
