I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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