The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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