I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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