I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
