Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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