I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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