...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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