I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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