ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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