All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
