Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
