At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
