I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
