She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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