dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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