After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
