I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
