Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
