Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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