Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
