Buhtt sex?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
