do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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