someone threw a dead crab at me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
