i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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