You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
