I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
