I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
