I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
