Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
did i just pee glitter
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
