listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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