guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
