worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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