I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
