Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
