ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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