If i come over, it means nothing
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
