i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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