there were more penises there than on chat roulette
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
