I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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