We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
