My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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