Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
