call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
