So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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