I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize