he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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