My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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