I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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