I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
