and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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