watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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