So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
