I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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