I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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