note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
