I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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