god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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